On Parenthood

Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Mom! Can you imagine that like every minute of evey day? Right? It would drive me crazy, I couldn't take it. It's 24/7, all the time with them. All. The. Time. It never ends, I'll be 65 and they'll still be needy, still be calling me, asking for money, needing help with something or other. I can't do it, I just have no desire. And your body, oh my god, do  not get me started about what having kids does to your poor body. Your insides fall out. They do. Everything in there gets all stretched and saggy and just wrecked. I've seen women who've had kids- two! It's not like I'm talking about 4 or 6 or a litter like that kate and Jon woman or the octomom- and they're just a mess. Not pretty. I'm too vain, way too vain to put myself through that, I'm sorry. I know, I'm 34, ok, I get it. Technically I still have time but that's the thing, right? I do not want to be some ancient old mom collapsed on the side of the playground gasping for air with some oxygen tank strapped onto me because I can't keep up with my 4 year old at 50 because at  the rate I'm going there's no way I'll get anything together with him before then. And it's not like he's great dad material either. Can you picture that, hmm? I mean, honestly. The two of us with our heads so far up our asses we'd hardly be able to get things organized to put the kid first. Oh come on, I'm just being honest. Can you see him pushing a stroller or changing diapers? Hanging out and talking about money markets maybe or waiting for the kid to be old enough so that he can take him to games with him but what about the first 15 years. No. No way. I just don't think everyone's cut out for kids. I mean, no offense- you're fantastic, really- I think you're gonna be an awesome mom and I love being here. Your kids will be the bomb. And they'll like me, right? Right? See? I'm so much more suited to being their cool aunt- the wacky obnoxious one with the freaky hair- than someone's actual mom. I couldn't cope. But good on you. Truly. You're gonna be great. 

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