You Know This

Lean into it, just drop your shoulder, plant your feet, turn your core on and lean into it. Trust that you'll find your balance, alright? You can do this, you know this- you've trained your whole life for this moment and you've got this. You Know This. Kaelea takes a deep breath, trying to quiet her nerves. Her palms are shaking. She closes her eyes, runs through the routine in her head for the umpteenth time. Visualize, visualize; she replays the sequencing over and over, mouthing affirmations and positive self talk. She's read that all of this helps, it really works. It could be the edge she needs to give her the tenths of a point that mean the difference between gold and silver. Or worse, not medaling at all. The years of sacrifice, countless hours of practice, recovery, of being tethered to the gym, missing every dance, every party, every sleepover; spending weekends in cars driving to meets and tournaments and being billeted in strange houses with stranger people. An 8 year old alone in Trumbull, Connecticut,  far from home with a foreign team comprised of two smaller teams, competing with girls 2 years older because Kalea was a big kid for her age. Winning, and winning some more, then losing. Badly. Falling. Breaking. Wanting to give up. Being pushed forward, fighting, screaming, crying, begging. Coaches, parents, competitors. No friends, no boyfriends or girlfriends or best friends outside of gym friends.Wanting to quit, trying to get out. Aging up, now about to age out. Finally being free to choose: stay or go. Realizing she doesn't know what else to do. This is who she is, what defines her, how she moves through the world. Her identity. One more meet, one last competition. Lean into it. Then let go.

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