King Cat

Get your face outta my face- step back, you fur footed, screeching, shedmonster. Get off. Get off! Getoffgetoffgetoff! Crikey, I swear, thank god you were unbelievably cute as a kitten because right now you're making me nutty. Really? Wow, really, you're going to eat that- DROP IT! Oh, don't make me chase you- no- damn. Seriously! Ok, it's your funeral. And my $2000 vet bill- DO NOT EAT THAT! Great, there goes the day, waiting for you to puke up a four inch strand of rainbow coloured fleece. You're one in a million, short bus kitty, really, one in a bloody million. Here- here! Here you go, have some treats! That's right, come on kitty, uh huh, that's the way...ok, do not make me lift the bed frame off the floor. I will drop this, it will make a loud noise and you will bolt and we will play stupid cat and mouse- literally- up and down the length of this house for twenty minutes and today is not the day, alright? Ok? Alright? Ok? Come on, kitty- Just Drop It. Oh. Oh well now, alright. SO, now you're going to sprawl across the kitchen table. Fantastic- hey, there's cat fur in everything else why not in my food, huh? All over the table, floating in the air, sifting down like bad dandruff. Not like I get enough fibre these days- GET OFF THE TABLE! Man, I should have rescued that dog. I mean it. I'm going to go on over to Darla's and come home with one of her rescue mutts- maybe the Beagle or neurotic pug- how'd you feel about that, huh kitty? yeah? Ok, so now you know. You are not the boss of me. I will not be ruled by you and your- no, stop it, get off my- ah man, ok, ok, stop it, just get off my lap, don't do that rolling over and extend your paws thing you- aw, c'mon, that's cheap. You're cheap, you know that? Shameless kitty seducing, unfreakinbelievable. Ok, that's it. That's it, you just lie there. And I'll wait. Sooner or later I'll be scooping up or scrubbing out whatever you manifest of the fleecy treat. Damn you cat. Damn you and your wily, manipulative, feline ways. Damn You.

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